Outside Me

2016 06 15: When the poem came to me almost halftime ago of my life where I am now in 2016, it was the present time then.

In that present moment of time, I had a reflection of my childhood and the control I knew I had to enforce. I managed and it developed. It became a hidden lifestyle. Eventually, it was so hidden that I forgot about it. I was always smiling while something was crying.

But in that present time then, the reflection was just a good story, a bit sad and that’s it.

I lived ‘happily ever after’, contented with what I had, and what I had and still have is and shall be the greatest blessing of my life.

BUT it was not all that I had. A forgotten something remained and somehow it was nourished all the time – probably from my happiness about everything. I am always thankful for every good coming my way.

13 June 2016 some very strange magnetism came, drawing me deep down under, back to this old poem and the track I composed sometime during 2014. I listened to the music again, wondering, and left it. The wondering sat on my neck, my head, my shoulders, followed my steps, cooked with me, had java with me, shopped with me, and since I don’t hate it, I gave it some attention again. It wanted me to listen….

And then I heard. I heard a forgotten part of myself and suddenly I could understand the reflection.

My gut was ripped out of me these past 12 hours when I had to face my own music. I do love it, don’t make a mistake. But it was the message in it that knocked me out. I couldn’t understand the poem so well, I somehow composed it and left it.

Past, present and future. This is my future and I learned that I have been confronted at the ‘present’ time of then. Now I could understand everything.

I had been in control and happy with my life but control buried many other jewels. I got back on the composition yesterday and especially early this morning and used some of the sparkles to express my story. A story which I hardly gave any recognition, even with the track I composed two years ago.

I need to live my life in full. This ‘other me’ is in fact the missing part of me which I controlled since I was child. Then I needed to for it was hated by evil. As time went by, it surfaced here and there and at the slightest whiff of evil, it would dive back. It was disciplined. Controlled by me. “My hand is master, a key to lock.”

When the feeble voice came again, it was no weight, but it was persevering since Monday. Today is Wednesday. I listened. I understood. I let it out. I cried. But I won’t let the hidden part dive back again.

Too much control makes one forget things….
Part of the Poem in music