From my Diary:
2016 06 29 10h54
Petals Vol. 2 Stopping Over (or something) or this is in fact Illumination.
I came back to this composition now and could suddenly understand all about my perceptions during July 2014 at Ibla, Sicilia. All the music that was around from morning till night created a new awareness. I felt home but not quite “at home”. (Some of the ‘people factor’ that pisses me off)
Music was one with me in a way I couldn’t fathom at the time. I heard music when it played and I heard music when it was not playing. It was as if something ancient inside me was stirred. I could ‘see’ things as if it was some time warp into the past.
It was tough to look for the sounds I heard from long ago and I remember so well the sound of water flowing underneath this old town. Sweet water from the dolomite banks, similar to what I remembered from Otavi, Namibia. I always stopped at this town when I passed, to fill up my containers with Otavi’s water; it was my favourite to brew my java.
I remember the urge I had to record footage of the water from the ferry boat trip once I was back at Norway from Scicilia. The first part of “Illumination” came on 18 July 2014 and the second part six days later while I was at Ibla. Somehow it had some relation with the water but I could not understand it much.
This past month of June with all the water talks, Ocean Month and next month’s input to cleaning the rivers in South Africa, found me at times in a feverish hurry to know more how people see water and feel about it. Water is the greatest music to my ears and always calmed me for as long as I remember. The greater part of my childhood days I lived next to water…..
It was aggravating, annoying and terribly frustrating to see how few people really care about the most beautiful natural liquid crystal. But I am also happy that there are groups, organizations and individuals who do care and make it their business to promote the wellbeing of water.
All rivers, lakes and seas are the widest and greatest path to anywhere, passengers on and in the waterways include human beings and is the oldest path on our planet.
On the 23rd “Finding” came to me. Somehow a lot of arguments exploded in this composition. I was a bit pissed off by being ordered around by others who don’t seem to be organizing well enough. But what I learned was that ‘speaking’ in music, I would get calm very soon. I didn’t need to run water over my hands or go for a swim. Music also does it for me.
When I now analyzed the tracks during this period, I got back to “Prayers with Santa Maria Maddalena”. I see the big picture now. As it was in the “Revelations” sequence of “Peyals: The Journey” (Symphony No. 2) the same revered sounds are contained, though not with the exact same melody.
This very old little Chiesa of Santa Maria Maddalena at Ibla kept drawing me and one day when I could not get around to some silent music I heard somewhere, I went to pray there. Of course, I needed that solitude - I forget to open my heart to Great Maestro and leave the matter to HIM. And now, nearly two years later I get the answers. I would have had it sooner if I took solitude straight away instead of trying to find answers on my own. When I listened to HIS voice during the time my second symphony happened, HE revealed a lot to me and the clarity was spectacular. That is the only reason why I could compose 11 movements within such a short time.
Seven days after “Finding”, the truth about FACTS in some very difficult choice I had to make, came to me, confronting me with the child’s life (“Spirit of the Child” Symph 2) which I thought was just a random song that came in-between but it is not. A lot of this round of Petals ARE in fact based on earlier experiences and “Mama, you chose, not I” which happened on 31 July 2014 in a flash.
Then during September and in a timespan of four days “Weeping Willow”, “Outside Me” and “An Autumn Leaf Blew Past” happened. It was with “Outside Me” that the puzzle came back very recently. This track somehow called me back. Something was triggered and I became terribly edgy and anxious, not realizing what is happening to me. And now, listening to “Illumination” the whole picture falls together like an avalanche.
“Weeping Willow” and “Outside Me” are very old poems, a music that existed for many years before I could even imagine how to express it. During the revelations of my second Symphony, “Old Tree also celebrates Spring” I experienced a joyous occasion of seeing all the magnificent life that popped from the tears of the child, which had its origin from the poem “Weeping Willow” which was a sad one to get back to. But I didn’t get the connection at the time and with “Outside Me” which followed, it rather became something to pack away. Too sad.
Yet, that same day after finishing “Outside Me” on 11 September 2014, “An Autumn Leaf Blew Past” http://youtu.be/4LsxT3XIUoQ just popped right in, which was how I felt. A useless dried out old leaf BUT as I composed that song, I realized also the life I served and still shall serve, and it became meaningful.
Phew. What a journey and then the illumination. But I feel much better now that I pen this down and its quite an eye opener to see how and where these pieces all happened.
I’ll give it a few days’ rest and see if there was more. This took a chomp out me so suddenly, my anxiety level shot right through the ceiling the past 30 minutes……
Back at 15:24
Shortly after writing the above, it struck me that I ‘disguised’ the actual instruments that act my story by using totally different ones. I was most probably hiding something from myself; I recall telling myself that it was my experience by seeing how performers play music instruments, that pushed me to use different instruments than what I originally used composing these pieces about my real life journey in music.
I must be honest with myself, that it was not the case. I learn some things like the gizmos & stuff on the internet and in any case apply that which I learn - many times as I compose I research what an instrument can do and what not. But then I would in any case not worry too much about it, and still continue creating the way it sounds okay for me. I just need to know what ‘signs’ to give the little people in my digital orchestra.
So then, I caught myself with my hand in the cookie jar and lied to myself about which cookies I picked. I enjoy all of them.
I was only avoiding piano because of the sad side of having been denied to continue having piano lessons when I was 13. But I enjoyed that one year – and it came a bit through in “Illumination” and I made peace with piano, and shortly after I became totally inspired by someone whom I’ve never met and “pax deinde venit” was born as a remembrance of the end of WWII. (Contained elsewhere at my blog) http://mymusicaljourneys.blogspot.com/2014/08/inspirations-pax-deinde-venit.html
Although “pax” has a totally different rhythm, which I thought to take a shot at when I noticed a competition based on the Morse code “irini” (which means peace) and I remembered all the tales papa and others told me about that terrible war, it is in fact part of the illumination that I experienced. I should actually include it as a bonus track should I get so far as to release and album of my third Symphony.
At first I simply called the piece “peace” but as it flowed, I realized it was from the moment the first peace messages were sent out and suddenly my spirit ended up at a time and places during a dark night almost seventy years ago, continued flying further, experiencing the folks…. This was a most romantic composition which I enjoyed and I really gave gas with the digital piano with the digital player happy to abide.
“pax deinde venit” http://youtu.be/5ov4Ukj8vE4 came to me at 20:01 the evening of 11 August 2014. Afterwards I made a bigger orchestra to play with the little digital piano player.
Other pieces that flowed since July 2014:
My first “Sonatina” “Moods of a Composer” in five movements. http://youtu.be/iWDojTsdfC0 I was totally pissed off at a remark that I must decide when my music has to stop which is bullshit. One cannot tell just half a story….
This left me: 01 – Spooked; 02 – Chargrined; 03 – Reduced; 04 – Prepared; 05 – Fugued (with the latter adapted word, rather admitting that if I’m considered as being ‘fucked up’ so be it – I couldn’t care a shoot because I do how and what I do to speak my music stories)
After this session I felt fantastic! I went on to produce a little comic strip for more satisfaction, using a photograph of the person but then redid it to rather hide anything recognizable in case a new fight would begin. End of a chapter is end of a chapter. I composed five of them, terribly short.
In a way I can now also understand “Three Frogs in a Pond of Wine” – this began on 19 September 2014 and I had no clue what it was until I did playback. There I saw the stages of chaps getting drunk, and their stories and eventual aggressive arguments until the ‘wine’ is finished. I still recalled a scene from way back during the 1980’s of a drunk man attacking me. His previous attack landed me in hospital but this time I was ready. I immobilized him and didn’t care to look back. I had to get his small son out of that house for he would have taken it all out on the little boy. He had his drunk pal with him at least. But he was fine and very friendly the next day.
And it all began with the sweet waters from the Ibleian mountains of Scicilia which I could hear under the soil and pavements of Ibla. Right there already under the shadow of the “Mountain of the Fireflies”.
I did say that water calms me, I recreate ‘water’ in my music and save these precious liquid crystals. I have a raging fire at times when I compose, and the little “Sonatina” taught me how much music brings me back to the good old me when I throw a tantrum in music.
(I actually went to pour myself a sherry now at 16:00 of this day, celebrating being able to ‘see’ myself. A new self.)
(Now I hope to get all the pieces properly together – got it figured out so far and then adapt them when I have time as they ought to be)
3 July 2016
Here I am, ‘stole’ some time back at music and listened measure by measure to the ‘truth’ into which I began adapting the toughest song: “You Chose, Mama, Not I”. Time signature of course changes to that of “Petals”, meaning adapting from 4/4 which is like a very neat brick house, very calculated, to 9/8 which is my true story.
I lied to myself. I didn’t want any passion in these 4/4 compo’s. And I hate neat brick houses. I’d rather live under a bush or in a tree…..
This is the difference.....old and new/lies and TRUTH
Hope I’d have more time soon again for music, it’s becoming very intense, it chases me like nothing ever before.
LORD GOD I cry! Hear me, I need solitude with You my Maestro. Everything that is happening with Your Creation which I love so much is just falling apart. I cry for the birds, the fish. I see so much and it is painful.
The little sparrow… YOU know what I saw. I pray that others may see this, know this, feel this, care about it all.